Love Thyself & Others Will Love U Too
Time: 10.48pm
Location: Bro's room
Hooray! I get to use his com again. I've my wasted my whole weekend, doing nothing much but practically spending time with myself.
The person I should love the most and I've neglected her recently. I've been obsessed with spending time with others, and when I'm all alone, I feel so helpless and uncertain. Which is why I've been wearing myself out by trying to occupy my time with work, freelance and tuition. I've even signed up for volunteer work with the children's society...and all I've managed to do for them...is to illustrate a brochure (not becos they dun trust me with the kids ok, cos they dun require any volunteers at the moment..knew what u all will be thinking!)
But now that work is at a standstill, freelance has stopped flowing in and my tuition is becoming monotonous... I feel funny at night.... like it's not alright to be alone. It's up to the point that on Saturday, after wasting almost 8 hrs sleepin in the afternoon (when it's the GSS!) I actually ransacked my wardrobe to clear of unwanted stuffs in order to put them up for auction. I knew I shopped a lot...but I never knew some of these stuffs I bought were...hideous.
I used to shop like a man - head straight for what you want and don't hesitate nor bargain. Now I shop like a woman- head straight for what you want, hesitate, bargain, think about it , bargain somemore before buying.
Aniway, I visited my dear friend in hospital today with another close friend. My friend's not really getting any better and for that moment when I saw her, I nearly broke down. But then my companion (the other friend) said something about me which I never realised. She said I might be becoming emotionally detached. It caught me off guard for a moment... but I'm beginning to realise that it could be true. I know I've been self-centred all my life, and I've selectively kept only people I care about by my side. But now, I seem to be able to shut off my emotions easier...though not always. Maybe it's the work... maybe it's the lack of a REAL life. After she said that, I thought I needed some time by myself. I went to J8, bought a Sunrise and a blueberry muffin and I sat at Coffeebean, reading a magazine and watching people pass by for 2 hrs. All by myself. Thoughts swarm through my head but I still could not feel the emotional rush. I used to be bothered by the tiniest things in life, like a tactless comment made by a stranger, but now, I don't even remember words exchanged between friends made the day before.
My ambitions and insecurities are no way beneathe me. I have plans that's doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I have dreams that doesn't seem to be pursued. I think I love myself, abeit too much... but I'm losing who I am. It's complicated, and I'm kinda mixed up myself.
Maybe I'm loving myself the wrong way. I'm accepting all my flaws, overlooking my imperfections and understanding my weaknesses... but that's as far as I'm doing. I'm not polishing myself up to become a better person. Neither am I encouraging myself to pursue my dreams, and accomplish more than I believe I can. And maybe when that day comes, when i know how to really love myself, then will others love me the same way too.
Location: Bro's room
Hooray! I get to use his com again. I've my wasted my whole weekend, doing nothing much but practically spending time with myself.
The person I should love the most and I've neglected her recently. I've been obsessed with spending time with others, and when I'm all alone, I feel so helpless and uncertain. Which is why I've been wearing myself out by trying to occupy my time with work, freelance and tuition. I've even signed up for volunteer work with the children's society...and all I've managed to do for them...is to illustrate a brochure (not becos they dun trust me with the kids ok, cos they dun require any volunteers at the moment..knew what u all will be thinking!)
But now that work is at a standstill, freelance has stopped flowing in and my tuition is becoming monotonous... I feel funny at night.... like it's not alright to be alone. It's up to the point that on Saturday, after wasting almost 8 hrs sleepin in the afternoon (when it's the GSS!) I actually ransacked my wardrobe to clear of unwanted stuffs in order to put them up for auction. I knew I shopped a lot...but I never knew some of these stuffs I bought were...hideous.
I used to shop like a man - head straight for what you want and don't hesitate nor bargain. Now I shop like a woman- head straight for what you want, hesitate, bargain, think about it , bargain somemore before buying.
Aniway, I visited my dear friend in hospital today with another close friend. My friend's not really getting any better and for that moment when I saw her, I nearly broke down. But then my companion (the other friend) said something about me which I never realised. She said I might be becoming emotionally detached. It caught me off guard for a moment... but I'm beginning to realise that it could be true. I know I've been self-centred all my life, and I've selectively kept only people I care about by my side. But now, I seem to be able to shut off my emotions easier...though not always. Maybe it's the work... maybe it's the lack of a REAL life. After she said that, I thought I needed some time by myself. I went to J8, bought a Sunrise and a blueberry muffin and I sat at Coffeebean, reading a magazine and watching people pass by for 2 hrs. All by myself. Thoughts swarm through my head but I still could not feel the emotional rush. I used to be bothered by the tiniest things in life, like a tactless comment made by a stranger, but now, I don't even remember words exchanged between friends made the day before.
My ambitions and insecurities are no way beneathe me. I have plans that's doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I have dreams that doesn't seem to be pursued. I think I love myself, abeit too much... but I'm losing who I am. It's complicated, and I'm kinda mixed up myself.
Maybe I'm loving myself the wrong way. I'm accepting all my flaws, overlooking my imperfections and understanding my weaknesses... but that's as far as I'm doing. I'm not polishing myself up to become a better person. Neither am I encouraging myself to pursue my dreams, and accomplish more than I believe I can. And maybe when that day comes, when i know how to really love myself, then will others love me the same way too.
posted by Ying at
Sunday, May 28, 2006
4 Comments:
OMG sometimes I wonder about this myself too - becoming emotionally detached. While I like the fact that I'm able to "train" myself to a standard of not get worked up over minor things, at the same time it worries me how I don't feel bothered when, for e.g., I fall out with friends - something that used to upset me a lot in the past.
I always wonder is it because I've grown to simply be nonchalant (i.e., heck care), or I've become someone who knows how and when to 'let go'. Of course I'd like to think I belong in the latter group, but I can't help thinking if there's anything wrong with me when something happens and has a lot more impact on my peers going thru the same thing, than it does on me! >_<
Hi ladies,
2 very different comments, but both so true. I jus hope it's a phase, ya know, cos I can't imagine myself being so 'unfeeling' about life. Gotta slap myself outta it:)
Hmm. Can you be sure that you will love yourself when you learn to look your flaws in the eye and make a change for "the better"? And are your ideals of "the better" based on social perceptions? More importantly, if you aren't fully satisfied with yourself, you will probably never be content with yourself. All things must grow, and so must you!
And I suspect you're burnt out with life. Try something new - it'll help stimulate your brain.
Kerio: U always say the most thought provoking things... profound.
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