Hermit

Time: 1.52pm

It'll be 1st May tomorrow. Labor Day. A public holiday. A day to myself completely.

That selfish brat in me is just going to spend some time with my students and be a hermit.

One of my dear gf's father's hospitalised, and it's making me feel really upset. She's one of my dearest, chirpiest gfs and it pains me to see her feeling so down.

Heaven is never quite fair to people sometimes. They give you something, only to take something else away. You will never get to savor the fruits of your labor long enough.

Please make him well again. That's all I'm asking for now.

What Goes Up...Never Comes Down

Time: 9.50am

As usual, on Saturdays, I'd procrastinate about work until I absolutely have no choice but to do it... which explains why I almost, always blog on Saturday mornings.

I have to write an opinion piece about an issue which I feel strongly about. But now, I am having a writer's block.

I can't even string a sentence together...

Will be back

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The Schizo Blogs

Time: 4.05pm

All this time, I've wanted things to be simple. But now I realised that I am actually a really, really complex person.

Despite being fully aware of what is going on around me, I can't seem to control my emotions. I wish it is in my nature to shrug it off and do what my head tells me to but the heart, after being in captive for years, has slowly crept its way out. Damn the heart. It's poisoning my clear-headed mind.

If he's the dreamer, I'm the realist. If he's the master, I'm the greenhorn. He hides his emotions well (or at least he tries to), I show exactly how I feel. I am amazed by how well I know his situation now, yet, ironically, I can't seem to cope with it. I'm afraid of opening up my heart and getting myself hurt.

I hate this useless soul in me.

I wish I am more gracious, stronger and less inhabited. I wish I wasn't so possessive and defensive and insecure.

I'll never be ready for anything if I cannot let loose of myself. I need to start embracing the world for exactly what it is.

Period.

Killin' Me Softly

Time: 7.51pm

I have great difficulties breathing. I've not felt like this for the longest time. The feeling is so intense... it's like you're on top of a mountain, and instead of the beautiful scenery that you've hoped for, all you get are dark clouds and grey skies. The air is so thin that you feel suffocated. It's like you're on life support, and some prankster comes along and switch it off for that few seconds, just to see you gasping for breath. It's like a fish out of water, with its mouth gaping for help and feeling life slowly being sucked away from it.

That's how it feels like.

Perhaps I'm finally cracking under pressure. There's simply too many things going on in my life right now that I'm not sure if I can handle it. I don't know if I'm really that clueless... I know I'm not that dumb, yet I do not know how to make things better.

Some days I'm being lifted to the top of the world, where I can hear the angels sing and stars twinkling. Other days, or should I say, more often than not, I feel as if I'm being buried alive... no worst, I'm being banished to hell, for something that I didn't even know I've done or should've done but didn't.

Even my boss can sense that I'm awfully stressed out. I hate this feeling of losing control of my life. Of not knowing how to make it better, or worst still, what is causing it to be this way. I hate not knowing the answers, and sinking deeper into something which I have no experience in. I was secretly hoping that the wrongs could be right, but at the end of the day, it's still a grey area.
I was full of optimism for good things to happen to me, as I believe that I've been a good person all my life, and therefore, my God should not have any reason to punish me. Of course, I admit I'm no angel at times (Even angels fall...), but I still try my best...or perhaps my best is still not enough.

I may not be sure, but at least I'm trying. Is that not enough?

The Evolution of Love-kind

Time: 3.30pm

I have been reading this particular blog for the past week and I think I must be one of the few people left in this world who believes strongly that true love does exist. This blog makes me angry yet entertained at the same time... Why I say this is because this blogger happens to enjoy the adulation from all the Venus population (maybe a few from Mars), writes very well and yet seems to have forgotten the whole purpose of love. It actually irks me that he seems to be so flippant about relationships and treats women like... how I treat my clothes in my wardrobe. Wear and sell/ throw away. Perhaps this blogger is not looking for love at all, so he sees no need to treat women with respect.

Yet, I am in no position to criticise him as I am clueless about how to love. In this modern day and time, is love still meant to be unconditional? If that's the case, why do people's hearts still change when they find someone better? What I mean is, if you're with someone for a long time, and he is providing you with whatever he can to the best of his abilities, and you find someone who's perhaps richer, smarter or nicer, do you leave your partner for that someone better?

And how much space is too much space for him/her? Do we let them do what they want and trust them completely or do we constantly 'check' on them to show them that they're always on our minds? (Gasp! That's like stalking)

Are we supposed to remember every single detail they mention just to show how much they matter to us? Is it all about mind games and we have to play along?

I think about the days when my parents, or how my grandparents dated. I'm sure it's much simplier. They are probably so straight-forward that they'll declare they like the other party as there's no sms/msn/skype or whatever technologies to aid them in their confessions.

Isn't it great if I were born in the 20s? Or 30s? (Ok, minus the war bit) I find relationships these days so complex.

Either I'm just simple-minded... or I simply don't get it.

A Girly Affair

Time: 10.20am

I have carefully planned my whole week just so that I won't feel I'm missing out too much on life.

Friday: Miss Understanding & Miss I-love-her-to-bit-but-somehow-I-pick-on-her-a-lot Pong...
Saturday: Miss If-I'm-lesbian I'd marry Jen and Girls
Sunday: Miss Bride-to-be-Wei
Monday: Miss Senior Aris & Joce
Tuesday: Miss If-I'm-lesbian I'd marry Jen and old colleagues
Wednesday: Working late
Thursday: Tuition
Friday: Miss XinCity & Miss Preggers Nic and maybe Mr. Perth if there's time
Saturday: Mr.Miss and probably Skaterboy
Sunday: Tuition...

Excellent planning.

I'd never be lonely for this whole week. Brilliant. I'm a complete genius.

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Miss Bride-to-be-Wei and I had an almost-perfect tai-tai Sunday. We met at 11.30 (supposedly 11, but Miss BTBW was late) and we had brunch at Marmalade Pantry. The omelette and Berry tea were scrumptious... but they were so generous with the salmon omelette that I felt as though I've killed the entire chicken population just to enjoy this meal.

Then we started off our shopping trip... we practically covered the whole of Orchard. Wisma, Tangs, Taka, Far East Plaza, The Heeren Shops, Cineleisure, Paragon... you name it, we were there.

We had an early dinner at Bakerz Inn and ended the day with desserts and tea at Royal Coppenhagen at Taka. I bought 2 tops and Miss BTBW bought a belt and a dress... We even wanted to go for massage but we didn't have an appointment so we had give that a miss. She wanted to get a white dress for her photoshoot (which was part of the reason why we went out) but somehow, nothing caught her fancy.

Anyway, it was a perfect day. Miss BTBW has always been one of the few girls that I feel totally comfortable with. She knows some of my darkest secrets and understands how I feel. We're both Scorpios and I'm technically older by 1 day (perhaps less than 24 hrs even) and she's one of the dearest people in my life..and I'm thankful for her existence.

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I had this revelation.

I sometimes feel that I'm walking on glass. The further I walked, the more I bleed.

I was however, determined to complete this journey as I was eager to find out what awaits me. Something inside tells me that I'm just sinking in deeper, and the more I walk, the more I find it harder to turn back. It's like, I'm telling myself that the route is going to end, so hang in there. Yet, it seems that I'm refusing to turn back... just to see how bad this hurt can be. I have a high treshold for pain, so it's almost as if I'm forcing myself to walk on, believing that the route will get smoother, and I'm likely to get numb in the process.

Perhaps I'm in self-denial. Perhaps at the end of the day, there may not be rainbows at the end of the route. Perhaps all that I'll end up with are just scars. Scars to remind me of my stubborness, my stupidity and my own persistence in believing that good things could have happened to me, but didn't.

Learning About Life

Time: 10.32am

It's a Saturday, one of the days when I practically have to drag myself to work. Can't blame me... who likes to work on a weekend? That's why it's called a weekend...'WEEK-END', so it should be one of the days when you lounge in bed, tucked under your quilt, with soft music playing in the background, and the aircon on full blast. You're only be awakened by the smell of pancakes in the pan or hot coffee from the pot. It's one of those days when you can stumble out of bed in your worst 'fresh-out-of-bed' hairstyle and no one gives two hoots about it.

It's those days that I look forward to.

But today is not one of those days... it's the day when I had to force my eyes open to the sound of my alarm clock ringing and to find that I've overslept... It's one of those days that my hair won't behave no matter how hard I brush it. One of those days when I feel heavily bloated...a sign that some unwanted 'relative' is visiting soon.

One of those days that I don't look forward to.

As I plug into my earphones in the less than crowded train, and toggle at the song lists, I realised that I haven't paid much attention to the lyrics of one of the songs from my fav. movie/ book, "A Walk To Remember". The words suddenly struck me as if it was a sign from heaven, enlightening me about life and the state I'm in.

Learning To Breathe by Switchfoot

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that
You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

This is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way
That I'm learning to breathe

The Start To A Perfect Ending

Time: 9.02am

I haven't been so vocal for a long, long time. But sometimes, circumstances leave me with no choice, so I had to voice out how I felt, or risk being barred from saying it forever.

I did the unthinkinable, the forbidden, the 'momma-would-have-disapproved' thing. I confessed.

Like I mentioned for the 100th time, I'm probably one of the most old fashioned girl left in this country. Include my mom, and prob. 2 of my best friends... so that makes 4 of us.

It started off as something really simple. He was down. I felt sorry. He probably needed a listening ear and a crying shoulder. And I did what a friend should do. I never for once expected anything in return, and I just want to ensure that he's happy.

Then we hang out more. A little too much, I guess...which was probably why I was led to believe that I was feeling emotionally attached to him. From days that I can't be bothered with cellphone messages to constantly having the phone by my side so I wouldn't miss any message.

It was getting out of hand. But he was the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. I guess I've thought of this world as being a little too rosy... I knew he had too much going on for him, so I didn't want to add on to his problems, thus I chose to remain a silent supporter for him.

So I say, don't be too nice to me. Don't say you miss me. Don't say you want to pamper me. Cause I'm the weakest link around. I find it hard to be tough and pretend it's all a game...or simply like how you said, you're just being nice. And I was being plain silly, can't even differentiate nice and like. From seeing you as someone who's rash, temperamental and insensitive, I start to see you as someone who's sweet, emotional and loyal. I know you like me...as a friend. And definitely not as much as I like you.

I only have myself to blame...thinking that things will be simple. If you haven't been so truthful about your... escapades, I would have continued being the silent observer, and patiently waiting for you to find your happiness. But I just lost my cool... and blew it all.

I love how Miss XinCity puts it for me "u are the one with a clear head of blue skies and white clouds and that he is the storm that keeps brewing. and even though we all need a little grey to remind us of the day, we shouldn't waste our fucking time waiting for a storm to get our hair wet. "

I'm sorry. Sorry for making things so complex now..when all I wanted was for it to be simple. Sorry for not saying how I feel earlier, which could've potentially avoided all this mess. Sorry for being so naive, and believing that good things could happen to me. Sorry for adding on a burden to your already over-loaded shoulders. Sorry for not being able to stick around long enough to wait for good things to happen to you. Or me.

But thank you... thank you for the past months, where you give me a reason to look forward to everyday. Thank you for the days when you lent me your shoulder when I feel down. Thank you for making me feel like I actually have an important part in someone's life, even if it's for a brief second.

It feels good... I can actually breathe easier now. Phew!

Yap...it's a good start to a perfect ending. Almost perfect ending.

Sunday Blues

Time:. 2.29pm

I can hear thunder outside. It's going to pour soon.

Nice. I love it.

I canceled tuition so I can rest at home today. I intend to clear out my wardrobe in a bit so I can send some clothes out to salvation army.

The radio's playing Leona Lewis single, yeah, the one that has playing for weeks now. I just had a bowl of banana nut crunch with milk. My bum hurts. Like crazy.

I slipped and fell yesterday on my bum. While I was in a dress, no less. If I've fallen any harder, I think my spine's gonna break.

And I've officially piled on 500g.

Lovely.

I've been quite accident prone lately. I bum my knee on my bed when I swirl my chair around to throw something. I chipped my toenail off while lifting my leg up from the chair. I've even got bruises from bumps that I don't remember happening.

A dear friend, Miss Hui, one of my most trusted confidante, asked me if I was troubled lately. (I don't usually share a lot about my life with people, unless it's people I feel I can trust...) She commented that I've been blogging a lot about leaving this place. And indeed I think I am. I'm a sucker for astrology, and I think it's so true that Scorpios tend to hide a lot about themselves. It takes a while to figure them out. We appear all tough and strong, but the truth is, we're really fragile and weak. We can't afford to get hurt, 'cos then we'll clam up back into our shell. We have just too much pride and dignity in us that we find it hard to swallow all that and move on with life.

I tried tarot cards reading online just the other day. It's quite fun, and I do find some parts quite relevant. Try http://www.newagestore.com/tarot/free.asp

Finally, the rain's coming down and I should get back to my wardrobe...

What Makes Me Happy

Time: 12noon

It's a Saturday and I'm at work... till 3pm no less. Sigh... working on weekends sux big time.

And I'm late for work today. 7 mins late to be exact.

Damn, I scored a hattrick, late for 3 days in a row. I'm going to the gym later to dispel all the negative qi that has accumulated in me for the past weeks. Keep breathing and think positive and all will be fine.

Recently, I've been spending more on food and leisure. Which is a good thing. I finally get to pamper myself more. :)

So today, while doing some administrative finance stuff at work...I'm shopping. See...I bought this from an online spree for $27.

Not a bad deal, 'cos apparently, it's a top worn by some model for some event. Don't ask me for the name of the model... I'm good at it only when I want to remember it.

Neat yeah? Like a fake tuxedo.

If I wear it with a coat, and sharp looking pants, I'm sure I can pass off as some corporate chick. :)

Of course, retail therapy is just one of the few things that makes me happy.

Here's a list of what else makes me happy:

1. Snuggling up in bed with my many cushions and a hot milo, with cookies, and a good dvd/ book on a stormy day. (completed with grey clouds and nice music if I'm reading)

2. Playing with kids from the neighborhood/ my tuition kids/ Joshie Yuki Richards/ kids in general.

3. Painting/ sketching or writing short stories/ poems (the artistic side of me)

4. A nice conversation

5. Finding something unique at a low price, preferably vintage bags/ dresses

6. Receiving thoughtful gifts that doesn't make me feel bad for receiving it...

7. Messaging people I care about late at night, and going through random messages that I've saved for years from people who've played an important part in my life.

8. Sweating it out at the gym and feeling like 0.05kg lighter

9. Hugs

10. When people I care about are happy.

Jazzy Thursdays

Time: 5.03pm

It's pouring outside. Just 5pm and it looks like its 8 alright. Office's really quiet 'cos 2 of my fav. colleagues are on MC. The dreaded virus attacked both of them...

My colleague is playing jazz music on her station, and I'm sipping cereal with IKO wheat biscuits. One of the greatest pleasures in life is to sip on something hot, munch on something wholesome while it is pouring outside.

As I sip on my cereal and enjoy this very moment, many thoughts came to my mind. Thoughts about life and where I should move from here.

Colleagues have defined me as someone who's easily contented. They think I'm probably the kind of employee that'll be a slave for the boss as long as I'm getting paid.

I beg to differ.

Yes, I may have little complains about work. I don't complain if I have to work the extra few hours. I don't mind that the bonus is not fantastic. I don't even care that I'm doing more than I should. But that's only because I believe this is the right attitude when it comes to work. To be honest, many of my friends are still earning a lot lesser than I am.

I think it's the problem with the design line. People are grossly underpaid, and very overworked. I'm not complaining 'cos this is what I like to do. I'm happy where I am, and because I know with what I'm doing now, I am able to venture further into achieving what I want someday.

As much as I always comment that I'd like things to be simple, I'm not exactly a simple person.

I'm just me... and I think I like the way I am, thank you very much.

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Recently, I've fallen deeper in love with someone.

I look forward to seeing him smile. It brightens up my day. I love his large eyes and long lashes, and how pretty he can look when he's deep in thought.

He's the sweetest thing alive and one of the most beautiful gift god could ever give anyone.

He asks for nothing and will love unconditionally.

I wasn't exactly attracted to him in the first place. But as time grows, I'm falling deeper and deeper for him.

Dear everyone, let me introduce you to this angel of mine.

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Darling Joshua Yuki Richards will be turning one in August. The first time I saw him, he was in his mommy's belly and I was showed the ultra-scan. Damn, he has grown to be such a charmer. Though he's with his Mommy and Daddy in Hong Kong, I get frequent pictures of him from my friend, whom have acknowledged me as his Singapore girlfriend. I am so going to fly to Hong Kong just to see him sometime this year. I miss him so much.

I'm going to pop a daughter just so I could have him as my son-in-law....

Now you see, I'm not a paedophile. I just like kids.

What Women Want

TIme: 5.16am
Location: In my bedroom, with a glass of milk and a nice Breadtalk bun

Another assignment deadline, another day of waking up early to write a 2500 word essay.

I was at tuition yesterday and my student told me a story she heard during a story-telling lesson ( I didn't even know they have such lessons in school anymore). Here's how the story goes:

Once upon a time, there was a King Arthur with his many fine knights. King Arthur was a good king and his knights were loyal to him.

Now one day, King Arthur was captured by a black knight (since it's black knight, means its someone bad la) and was given a question that he had to answer within 3 days or he'll risk losing his men and kingdom.

The question was, "What do Women Want?" ( I reckon the black knight must've been frustrated by this question too)

So King Arthur set out to find the answer but all the women he met gave him different responses. Some wanted money, some wanted beautiful looks and others wanted handsome partners.

King Arthur was frustrated (probably by the shallow answers) and while take a stroll in the forest, he came across a weeping woman. As he stepped forward, he was shocked by her horrendous looks. (My student described it as really ugly, with crooked nose and peeling skin) She was weeping.

King Arthur asked why she was weeping and she asked why he looked so sad. When King Arthur told her the reason, she said that she could give him the answer, but in return, he has to make one of his knights marry her.

With little choice left (and probably thanking god that he did not have to marry her himself) he agreed. She gave the answer as, "Women want their ways".

Now King Arthur went back to the black knight, presented his answer and the curse was broken. However, he wasn't happy, 'cos now there's a bigger task in hand, which is to make one of his knights marry this woman.

All his knights who came to know his plight were scared and worried, and only one stepped up to the 'challenge'. This knight, let's call him Mr. Brave, went back to the forest and ask the ugly woman for her hand in marriage.

The wedding was the most sombre ceremony. No one wanted to drink or dance, and everyone was fearful of the woman's looks.

On the wedding night, the knight was nervous (and probably very turned off) but just at the stroke of midnight, the woman suddenly turned into this really beautiful looking maiden with long flowy blond hair (at which my student described as ghostly looking). The woman told Mr. Brave that she was under a curse, and by marrying her, he was halfway through of breaking it. He had to answer another question in or risk having her looking hideous forever.

Her question was, "What Men Want"....Hahaa...no, it was, would he rather her be beautiful in the day, but hideous looking at night, or vice versa.

He thought for a short while and his reply was, "Anything that you want".

And the curse was broken.

And of course, they supposedly lived happily ever after.

Quite a shallow ending, if you ask me. So what? She's pretty now so they can be happy? Are ugly people doomed for a life of loneliness?

The truth is, I bet half the women out there didn't know what they want. I, for certain, doesn't know what I want sometimes.

We're not fickle, we're just complicated.